You're here looking for an apartment. Let me help you out with reasons why you should live at Ventana. Below is a series of questions designed to assist you in your decision to become a "Ventana VIP". Are YOU a VIP? Let's find out: 1. Do you like long walks outdoors? Ventana features an insultingly small selection of parking spaces for the most discerning of parkers. If you have a job that requires you to work past 5:00pm, you will be treated to a long walk to your home from the opposite side of the complex. Worried that some of your neighbors may move out and cause parking spot openings, ruining your daily walking commute? Have no fear, your first-floor college-aged neighbors will have their live-in boyfriends over every day to fill those spots right back up. No separate visitor parking ensures that your daily walk will become an institution. 2. Have you been sleeping too much? Forget about sleep. At Ventana, everything has been done to ensure your sleep is a thing of the past. Neighbors? We've asked them not to train their dogs so that you can count on constant barking. Fetty Wap at 1:00AM? Count on it. Screaming? Of course. When your neighbors aren't disrupting your nighttime bliss, they will be doing their professional utmost of revving their car engines and blasting stereos as they go about their daily business. If all else fails, we will install a family of ceiling creatures above your bedroom that will scratch at odd hours. We are incredibly proud of our Ventana ceiling animals; they are the most reliable and diligent members of our staff and respond to communication requests about as well as our human team. Your new apartment also backs up to Stonehouse Apartments, a section-8 complex with neighbors even less considerate of your peace and quiet whose apparent full-time job making your life worse. The culture here can be described via a thought experiment: Imagine if Bud Light and Tecate had a love-child…and that lovechild peeled out in a beat-up Mustang. Welcome to Ventana. 3. Most apartments are so devoid of plant life. At Ventana, the liberty has been taken to ensure your living space will be its own microbiome. Water channels installed in the rooftops (some call these leaks, here they are features) provide a steady stream of moisture into your drywall. It may even open a sun-roof in your patio (read: your patio roof will collapse on your patio furniture which will warp as water falls atop it). This will make certain that an ongoing issue of mold and water damage will challenge your lungs and sinuses. You will be stronger for it. 4. Looking to make monetary donations to CPS? Good news! Your 30-year-old AC unit will likely experience a series of death throes, resulting in two consecutive months of $250+ electricity bills despite all your appliances being unplugged and air conditioning off throughout the day. Bonus: you will have a mental crisis as you try to convince maintenance that something is wrong. "Oh, your AC is set to 50 and it's blowing out 86-degree air (checked with laser therm)? Maybe you should close your blinds, that should help." (No joke on this one, this actually happened and then the maintenance people made smartass remarks until our AC finally broke and they figured out that closing blinds can't cause a 270% increase in electricity bills). 5. Have you been feeling guilty about using too much water? Feeling too clean? Want to finally practice trickle-down showernomics (this is where you just wash your hair as quickly as possible and hope the drip down shampoo will clean your pathetic shivering body)? Ventana will shut off the water on a bi-monthly basis with no warning. Play shower/toilet roulette as unqualified maintenance attempts to fix a near decade-long plumbing issue that normally would require professional intervention. This is but a sampling of the flavorful and luxurious experience you will have when you become a Ventana VIP.
