Living with an Excessive Drinker? Here’s How to Help

The reality of apartment living is that we often have to share our home base with a roommate, whether it’s a friend, partner, or even a (heavily vetted) stranger. And even in the best relationships, this can lead to conflict from time to time. Everyone is different, after all, and your expectations may differ significantly from your roommate’s.

The key to having a successful relationship with any roommate is communication and honesty – though as we here at ApartmentRatings have said in the past, even the best intentions can go awry when confronted with a person whose behavior is detrimental, or even harmful, to your well-being.

Again, these behaviors aren’t set in stone. What doesn’t work for you may work fine for others, but it’s important to recognize and acknowledge what is and isn’t acceptable to both yourself and your roommate as early in the relationship as possible.

This especially applies to potentially destructive behavior like alcohol abuse. But when does a roommate’s excessive drinking escalate into a full-scale issue – and how do you go about addressing it in a compassionate, constructive way?

These tips will help you determine whether or not your roommate’s drinking has become a problem, and how to handle it if their excessive drinking has started to negatively impact you and your living situation.

Too Much of a Good Time

Unless you and your roommate agreed at the outset that your apartment would be an alcohol-free zone, chances are alcohol will enter into the equation at some point. Whether it’s a glass of wine in the evening or even the occasional party, chances are both you and your roommate will partake every now and then. But when does casual drinking cross a line and become a problem?

They Become Aggressive, Abusive, or Violent When Intoxicated

Alcohol is a depressant that lowers inhibitions and, when consumed to excess, can often change people’s behaviors. This is a common side effect of drinking. Still, if your roommate’s behavior becomes confrontational, aggressive, or even abusive when drinking, it could be a sign that their alcohol intake is becoming a problem, especially if it becomes something of a recurring theme.

If your roommate’s personality does a complete 180 when they imbibe too much, leading to aggression, anger, or confrontation, then it’s definitely time to approach them about their drinking. Aggressive behavior may not always lead to mental or physical abuse, but violence of any kind is a huge red flag that your roomie’s drinking is becoming a problem.

They Destroy Property or Violate Your Personal Space

We’ve all been there: a party gets out of hand, and before you know it, your space looks like a hurricane blew through it. Messes are common after parties or group gatherings, but if your roommate is consistently leaving messes without cleaning them up, or even worse, borderline trashing your place when they’re drinking, it’s probably a sign that things have gone too far.

Similarly, boundaries are important when sharing your space, and if your roommate is continually violating your personal space when they’re intoxicated, it may be time to address the issue. Again, everyone is different — but if your roomie’s behavior is making you feel uncomfortable or concerned for your privacy or belongings, then it’s definitely time to have a one-on-one conversation.

Their Drinking is Self-Destructive

Depending on your relationship with your roommate, you may feel like their alcohol intake is their business and not yours. While this may be true, if your roommate’s drinking seems to be escalating in an unhealthy way, it may still be time for you to get involved. For example, does your roomie’s drinking lead to depression, or an interruption to their everyday life (missing work, not paying rent, causing conflict in relationships with others)? These behaviors could all be warning signs that their drinking has become problematic. Remember, if their drinking is negatively impacting you and your home, then it’s most likely affecting them on a personal level, too.

How to Address Your Roomie’s Excessive Drinking

It’s counterproductive (not to mention unfair) to label your roommate an alcoholic. After all, alcoholism is a serious disease, and it’s unlikely that you’re qualified to make the distinction between alcoholism and problem or excessive drinking or abuse. However, if your roommate’s drinking is negatively impacting your life, affecting your mental, emotional, or physical health, or is making you feel unhappy, uncomfortable, or even unsafe in your own home, it’s time to address it. Below are some tips for speaking with your roomie when their drinking has become destructive.

Don’t Be Confrontational or Accusatory

Before confronting your roommate, make sure they’re sober. If they’re intoxicated, it’s unlikely they will take you seriously. They may even lash out and become more aggressive. Even if you’re frustrated, try not to be accusatory. Instead, use a constructive, open, and honest tone to express your concerns. Allow your roommate to respond, and try to hear them out as much as you can. After all, their drinking could be due to emotional or mental turmoil, and they might just need a friendly ear. It’s best to hear what they have to say while also being firm and relaying your own concerns.

Give Them a Chance to Change Their Behavior

Violence of any kind is unacceptable and shouldn’t be tolerated from your roommate. However, many other destructive behaviors that stem from excessive drinking take time to change. In other words, it’s not going to happen overnight. The first step is acknowledgement. After that, it’s up to you and your roommate to decide on a course of action that’s best for you both. Your roomie may get defensive or upset. They may not want to change their behavior, or may even feel unable to. In this case, it may be time for one or both of you to re-evaluate the living situation and possibly move on.

Know Your Limits

Just because you think your roommate’s drinking is problematic doesn’t mean they’ll see it that way, too. And that’s okay. The important thing is to know your limits and be honest about your expectations. If you’re constantly feeling uncomfortable, upset, or even unsafe in your space, then it may be time to move on, especially if your roommate is unwilling or unable to change. Remember, it’s your home, too — and while deciding on ending your roomie relationship may be difficult, it’s definitely worth it if their behavior is destructive and consistently affecting you in a negative way.

It can be difficult to know whether or not your roommate’s drinking has become problematic, but if their behaviors are regularly impacting your life in a negative way, then it’s definitely time to address the issue in a clear, constructive, and honest manner. After all, your roomie’s excessive drinking could be a coping mechanism, or it could be a sign that they’re struggling with alcoholism. Either way, it’s not up to you to make that diagnosis – all you can do is be open and honest about your concerns and know when it’s time to move on.

Be sure to check out these helpful resources when dealing with excessive drinking:

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alcohol-use-disorder

https://americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/how-to-talk